Hi. I'm quitting.

I guess I want to be called The Give Up Kid. Because its got a nice defeatist ring to it, and those that know me, would probably argue that I'm anything but a defeatist. I appreciate that, but there are a lot of unseen battles that I lose every single day.

This is personal place for me to be completely honest with myself, and with others should that ever be something I'm interested in doing.

I'm in twenties, have a thick beard, and struggle with range of addictions. Nothing hard where substances are concerned fortunately. I'd probably lose myself if I ever gave narcotics a shot.

I'm just trying to work through some things I think. There things I want to change to about myself, and there are other things that I want to accept. I want to stop drinking as much as I do. I make a joke frequently, "You only get be good at so many things in your life, and drinking is one of mine. So I can't stop."

You know a habit has gotten out of hand when you and people around you rationalize it aloud. "It's not that bad. I don't kill a fifth every day." But I can. Easily. I love whiskey and bourbon. I love sipping them and feeling their tart smokey burn as they slide down my throat. I love that when I tilt a glass to pass that golden liquid through my lips the clinks and my mustache dips into it. And then I swallow. But its in my facial hair. It runs undauntedly through my beard and I can smell. And I love running my lower lip over it and sucking in the share that my upper lip stole and letting it sit on my palette while I focus on whatever I'm doing.

I'm sucking down Jim Beam now.

I hate my mustache by the way. I hate this hair that people find attractive that sprouts from my face like grass on a nitrogen rich lawn. I'll expound on that later.

I'm bad with romance. I get interested in people, but I have so many constant problems that I talk myself out of pursuing things. Which is bad, probably. Secrets are bad, and there are a lot that I keep. But when you know how other people feel about your reality, and you're able to sell them a fiction that they like, why would you ever want to stop. It'd be so much easier to assume that role.

If only it were possible to lie to yourself on purpose.

So I guess I'll just list off the things that I'm trying to figure out. Cut to the chase and get this all done with.

I'm drunk. I'm lazy. I masturbate constantly. I don't know if my fetishes are only fetishes, or if they stem from an aspect of myself that I've been dealing with since I began to form memories - I might be trans. But that's a big fucking thing. That's a thing I could never tell anyone, because I'm scared of being hurt. I'll be writing a lot about this in the future. But I'm trying to figure it out. I would rather present as a woman, I think. But I don't know if I just like the clothes and the looks, and all the archaic social stigma that I latched onto and was jealous of a young age. That last thing feels sexist, and I don't like it. Its all so complicated. But I also wonder if that's just how I am. If that's who I'm supposed to be.

That's a lot.

So expect to see me complaining about failures in regards to my addictions, to ruminate on what my truth may or may not actually be, and to whine about things that I see and overhear that affect me in some way. And also, it may just get weird, cause I encounter plenty of strange things and don't have anyone to talk to about them.

I don't know who you are, but if you actually read this far you have my gratitude. Feel free message me words of encouragement or to challenge me. I pick plenty of weird hills to die on, but I enjoy those deaths when they come.

I'll leave you with a song that I'm into at the moment.